We need an antidote to modern times. No more Sunday Scaries, no more #doomscrolling, no more stress. Made with adaptogens, nootropic herbs, and ultra-high-quality ethically-sourced CBD, Swerve is a meditation you can drink. Leave the worries of the workplace behind on your lunch break by popping open a Swerve seltzer, in any one of five soothing flavors: Black Cherry, Orange Burst, Mango Lime, Passionfruit, and Coconut. With our proprietary blend of calmpounds (that’s calming compounds), Swerve lets you leave it all behind.
It also has a lot of cocaine.
Swerve mixes over eighteen brain-friendly herbs, roots, and medicinal flowers, like ashwagandha, valerian root, methamphetamine, once again cocaine, and cola nut (rich in L-theanine). If you’re finding yourself relying on caffeine and other stimulants to get through the afternoon, or worse, crashing at 3pm and unable to focus on being your best self, Swerve will get you back in your element, thriving, hydrated, sweaty, extremely paranoid, and ready to take on the day.
You deserve balance. You deserve calm. You deserve a newly-invented neurotropic stimulant called M.A.N.G.L.E. that raises your heart rate well beyond its maximum into what doctors call the “zone of explosion.” With all those emails, who can settle for anything less? Dip a toe into a pool of total serenity. A pool full of Swerve.
Stop worrying about modern demands like Slack messages, early-morning client calls, and GPS trackers tacked under your van by the DEA. Who needs all that stress? With Swerve, you can leave it all behind, floating above the clouds, flying to a secure compound in Colombia maintained by loyal members of the FARC sedition you organized last August. There, you can focus on you, and also on ramping up production to fill six 19,000-gallon vats of something the locals have taken to calling jugo del demonio, “demon juice.” Slay, queen!
Life doesn’t have to be rush rush rush. It can also be kill kill kill, with Swerve’s tendency to induce homicidal rage in people who drink more than a can and a half. Embrace your funk! And if your funk is juicing up on a mixture of CBD, erythritol, and angel dust, more power to you. At Swerve, we believe everyone deserves to be calm, cool, collected, elevated, activated, hallucinating, inconintent, half-blind, and extremely horny.
Pop open a Swerve today — and feel the bliss.